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Dodgem Bike Test Lab Ride

On Thursday next, I will be conducting a series of highly scientific tests of the two prototype pedal-dodgems. I will be attempting to disprove the negative hypothesis that the Rat Patrol CANNOT break them and WILL NOT hurt themselves, thus ensuring their safety for release to the general public.

This will involve control groups (bikes that the Rat Patrol will not try to break to prove that bikes aren't just breaking on their own, and rats who aren't trying to break bikes to see if they hurt themselves naturally in any situation) and administrations of varies quantities of Uncle Grandpa's Secret Juice, the official hooch of Rat Patrol.

The tests will begin at 7 pm and will likely take place in the battle arena we found in Commonwealth Park. More information forthcoming.

-Johnny (a.k.a. Harold Paytard, Mr Payphone's new Rat Name since building his first freakbike in Oz)


So it was, a crack squad of Rat Patrol Test Dummies made it to the Dodgem Death Arena and proceeded to be divided into two groups, one being a control group who had not consumed alcohol, the other being the test group who had consumed copious quantities of Uncle Grandpa's Secret Juice...

Testing was apparently going well before the late arrival of Limp Jimmy — but nobody had managed to break any of the dodgems! True, both the test group and the control group had so far failed in their mission to break the prototype dodgems or sustain any personal injuries — something had to be done.

A half an hour later and primed with Uncle Grandpa's Secret Juice, Limp proceeds to break both prototypes. Success. At this point the rest of the Rats rallied and some minor injuries were then sustained, as per the testing plan.

Much fun was had by all, no more than Bloody Mary...

Other new bikes made by the Hand of Harold were the Surf Bike, Bucking Bronco and Penny Fake Thing...

By the end of the evening, we had broken the dodgems, had a BBQ and had become very drunk. Too drunk perhaps. Things are bad when Rat finds him or herself way too drunk to ride, but this was the case this night. Fortunately we had a backup plan — Pol was driving Porkers car with trailer in tow... this is what one calls an exit strategy.

It takes the crew a while to gather broken bits and all of our equipment and head to where the exit vehicle was waiting. On the way we had a BBQ bike mechanical, but nothing too serious. Once we arrived at the exit vehicle, Harold was spent. Unable to stand, he fell asleep in the gutter in true Rat Patrol style. Nice job Rats!

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