RAT PATROL OZ TAKES 2005 LINE HONOURS IN WORLD'S
BIGGEST MTB RACE, UNDER CLOUD OF SUSPICION
October 8/9 2005
[Kowen Forest, Canberra, Australia]
By Lycra Bandit
Much to the astonishment of organisers and many in
the crowd, Rat Patrol Oz's Master Gravity Esquire (MGE) has taken
line honours in dubious circumstances at the 2005 MONT 24hr Mountain
Bike Race in Canberra.
The scene of the start of the race
A late entry and dark horse in the race, MGE left
the more fancied pro teams for dead, despite giving them a hefty
MGE begins it's historic record-breaking lap "Yeah,
look, don't tell anyone" exclaimed Limp Jimmy, pilot &
master builder, "but we didn't do the whole run. We started
walking up there, but soon decided that 800m was way too far for
us, so we just stood on the sideline at the 300m mark - maybe it
was only the 200m mark?"he asked Co-pilot and co-builder of
MGE, Nancy Porker. "In any case," said Porker, "we
waited for a few runners to pass, before joining in. As we ran along
strongly with the other competitors, we thought it would only be
fair to whip a beer out of the esky, once we got onto the bike and
give the buggers a bit of a head start."
Pulling out from the start, MGE received a roar of
applause from the thousands in the crowd as she trundled down the
start, with pilots Limp Jimmy and Nancy Porker sucking down beers,
instead of the usual water or sports drink, located in the drink
MGE Pilots Nancy Porker and Limp Jimmy head off on their
gruelling 19.1Km lap
And it was indeed MGE that came across the finish
line for the fastest opening lap in the entire history of the race,
with a time of 38 minutes, 42 seconds.
But some officials were dubious. "I'm still waiting
on confirmation, but I don't think we recorded their race number
at any of the checkpoints around the 19.1Km course," said Russ
Baker, head race official "and I mean, look at that thing!
Do you seriously think it could make it through the single track,
or under half the branches for that matter?!"
One race volunteer went further, claiming she'd seen
MGE take a sneaky right at the end of the starting straight, before
the pilots dismounted for a beer and a cigarette.
"That's bollocks mate!" exclaimed Porker,
"I mean, yeah, we were keeping our fluids up and we might have
had a chong, but see those bolts there? They mean we can easily
split the bike into TWO tallbikes for the singletrack sections.
It's not our fault we were going too fast for the checkpoint officials
to record our race number!"
Despite churning out the fastest lap, and also being
officially acknowledged as the first across the line at the finish
of the race, the Rat Patrol team placed last, completing only one
lap. "We're not here to win mate" exclaimed Porker "we're
here to drink beer and not over-exert ourselves."
Hwarf Bags, Rat Patrol Race Support Crew member and
MGE co-builder, makes final race preparations before the
"Everybody was talking about Master Gravity Esquire
and photographers were always crowding around it, asking lame questions
like: 'Why would you do that?', 'Is each Tallbike really 126 Speed??',
'Where can you buy one of those?' and 'So ... tallbike jousting;
what's that for??'" said Rat Patrol Race Support Crew member
and MGE co-builder, Hwarf Bags (abbreviation of: He Who Asks For
Beer And Gets Cider). The two riders featured on several local and
national television channels, and will no doubt be in many expensive
glossy elitist propaganda-ridden consumer-inducing capitalist-oriented
mountain biker magazines around the world.
MGE, first over the line at the MONT 2005 24hr endurance
race, leading home several hundred lycra-clad riders.
Official results will be posted shortly with many
expecting the Rat Patrol team to be disqualified. Regardless of
the validity of the official result, one thing is for certain, the
biggest cross-country 24hr mountain bike race in the world will
never be the same again!
Victorious MGE Pilots return to the Rat Patrol Team