After the first Earth Day in 1970 awakened Americans to the acute dangers of rampant consumerism and pollution, the progressive hope of that message of conservation was soon undermined by capitalist oil and auto company “green-washing.” Realizing that their years of freely exploiting the environment would now be hampered by more public scrutiny, these companies sought to disguise their true anti-green intentions behind a facade of tree-hugging ad campaigns and publicity stunts. With slick advertising and industry-funded scientific studies, these oil and gas companies have attempted to coopt many major environmental groups in order to control the direction of all discussion on fossil fuels and global warming, all the while protecting the highly profitable and addictive relationship America has with crude oil and mass consumption.

More recently, numerous independent pro-bike and alternative transportation movements are once again making the public aware of oil dependency and global warming problems that never went away. But will these progressive movements be able to continue pressing for change? Or are they in danger of losing the freedom of their independent outsider status? Will these independent
pro-bike movements only be co-opted by multinational corporations in the same way that Exxon and Ford co-opted Earth Day celebrations in the 1990s? The sad truth is that this may already have happened.

Consider the dependency these pro-bike organizations have on bicycle manufacturers. Consider the paradox that attempts to reduce resource consumption by promoting non-fossil-fueled transportation options have resulted in INCREASED consumption of bicycle equipment. These same pro-bike organizations have become tools of the international sporting goods industrial complex.

A simple trip to a bicycle shop will quickly convince you of the serious nature of the dependence these sporting goods manufacturers have created. Just as the delusions feeding the auto-addiction culture are dreamed up by multinational oil and auto companies, the sporting goods manufacturers sell wet dreams of freedom and escape to poor addicted sporting goods “users.” The pathetic sports junkie on a bicycle is no more free than a motorist trapped in an SUV in a traffic jam.

Thus we see that this sporting goods addiction culture is perhaps far more sinister than the auto-addiction culture, for while auto companies force their wares upon the public through incessant mass-market television advertisements, the sporting goods companies have managed to brainwash an entire army of evangelical zealots to strong-arm unsuspecting citizens into unquestioning servitude one by one.

How else can one explain the irrational and desperate attempts by bike shop employees to coerce customers with simple questions into buying unneeded new, expensive equipment? How else to explain the void of self-doubt which athletes attempt to cover with spandex outfits and titanium objects of veneration? How else to explain the nervous guilt which drives the sporting goods “user” to look down upon to those who do not ride as fast, or as far, or as often? There are no explanations for this irrational behavior other than that these are sick symptoms of an addiction created and enabled by the sporting goods industrial complex.

The worrisome part of this conclusion is the realization that many progressive pro-bike organizations have already been infiltrated by addicts and slaves to the multinational sporting goods manufacturers.

How does one identify one of these possible wolves in sheep’s clothing? Persons exhibiting the following behaviors are best regarded as covert operators of the capitalistic conspiracy to further coopt and defuse non-fossil-fueled transportation movements. If someone you know fits these descriptors, be careful!

• Abnormal concern with perfect finish and perfect operation of the bicycle
• Keeps glossy bicycling magazines under the mattress
• Suggests you should buy new equipment instead of repairing old bicycle
• Always rides in superhero tights
• When riding, is more concerned with speed and distance covered than scenery or places visited
• Onanistic attraction to excessive features of top-of-the-line bikes
• Unable to hold a conversation unrelated to bicycles or biking
• Cannot go even one day without bicycling somewhere
• Paranoid delusion that he/she is being persecuted for his/her hobby
• Speech is sprinkled with component brand names
• Constant desire to witness to bicycle’s transforming power in his/her own life
• Unable to socialize outside like-minded group of fellow addicts
• Believes that biking is a morally superior choice, therefore befitting a morally superior attitude
• Attempts to bring bicycle-related issues into every conversation
• Awkward duck walk caused by wearing cleated bike shoes into roadside businesses
• Easily impressed with expensive equipment and celebrity endorsements
• Wears helmet even when not on bike

As you can see, these easily-identifiable symptoms of sporting goods addiction are identical to the symptoms of capitalist-driven automobile addiction. They are caused by the fetishization and worship of lifeless objects. What was once viewed as a useful tool, a means to an end, becomes the end in itself.

Should your comrades seek to impose these dangerous ideas on you, or should you find yourself believing them, stay on your guard, and remember that these innocent-sounding ideas are in actuality part of a sinister plot to coopt the velorution. Do not let the greedy multinationals once again derail progressive attempts to save our Earth from global warming and environmental disaster!.